Married!

It is approximately one month after my wedding to Peter. Now that I have a few fire-pit-and-wine sessions under my belt, life feels back to normal.

Some things I learned:

A smart and unselfish personal attendant is vital. Mine remembered everything I forgot. She also did this cool thing: she collected 52 interesting postcards and put our new address on the back along with the date of each week over the coming year. The idea is that guests take one postcard, write a memory of the wedding on it, and mail it to us on the appointed week throughout the year. (We have received 4 postcards so far, but not on the corresponding dates.)

We had out wedding on a Friday and thought we would have all day on Saturday to hang with our families, so we planned a picnic for Saturday at noon. This was dumb. We thought we could handle it but we were tired to the bone. Not hung-over tired, but physical exhaustion tired. It was great to see everyone but I was not my best. And actually, I don’t think our guests really wanted to see us again. (We had also planned to have a back-yard fire for our out-of-town friends Sat night, but luckily Mother Nature saved us from ourselves with a thunderstorm.) Seriously: tired.

Wedding photographers are good for more than excellent artwork. They obviously go to a lot of weddings. Let them give you advice. They know how long everything will take: how long guests need to get to the reception; how long a buffet line will take; when the dancing should start. A smoother day for you is a smoother day for them, so ask if they mind reviewing your schedule.

Your friends and family will be indescribably generous. You will receive love in the form of gifts for weeks around your wedding. This feels a little hard to accept and I felt a little undeserving. It is a case of "to whom much is given, much is expected". I feel like my life has been launched in a new trajectory and I now have a lot of tools with which to give back.

The wedding changed my relationship to Peter. Or rather, the commitment. Which seems obvious, but I didn't expect it. This wedding means I am choosing depth of experience over breadth and it is an interesting tension between security and responsibility. Security in that we have time to grow together. Responsibility to spend that time wisely. But, you know, he’s here to help with that.

Thank you for reading this!

-Brooke

:: The Engagement Story :: Maybe I'll hire a palm-reader for the wedding

I was hanging out with my book club this weekend at Norm's Fish Camp outside of Ely. It was a wonderful break from work/wedding planning/packing and a chance to sit still and think about the marriage that is zooming toward us. One of the women brought tarot cards so I had a reading. I had several cards that mentioned acknowledging and controlling my ego during my upcoming life change. Whether or not you believe in tarot, that advice is incredibly apt for me. I am a pretty stubborn girl who likes to be right. It's been interesting; Peter and I purchased a house a few weeks ago, and trying to navigate those decisions has been really challenging. I think I took it for granted that I would be in charge of decorating - wrong. I have to continually remind myself to make decisions with Peter, not without him. It is an unconscious habit that I need to practice breaking. Practicing now on things like paint color will, I hope, make joint-decisions on important things like jobs and finances easier. I love tarot.

:: The Engagement Story :: A bride by any other name...

We are seven weeks from the wedding and everything is starting to happen very fast. Invites have gone out (almost). This weekend was the bridal shower with Peter's side of the family. I feel very lucky; they were so generous with me. I've been spending a lot of time debating whether I should change my name to theirs. He's got a beautiful name that means "pilgrim" in Armenian. Mine means something close to "holy valley" in Norwegian. I can see the case both ways; changing my name is a way to honor him and his family, as well as having a common link with any children we may have. It is a kind of quaint, nice tradition. On the other hand, there is something so powerfully lateral about keeping my name. It is a symbolic way to keep my individuality.

Thankfully, no one, including Peter, is pressuring me to change it. Interestingly, I get the most pressure from those who want me to keep my name.

-Brooke



Brooke, a client of Lace/Hanky, shares her thoughts about what it is like to be engaged– the good and the bad.
Read more entries from The Engagement Story here.

:: The Engagement Story :: Get a wedding planner! ::

I have come over to the dark side in this DIY culture. I am a believer in wedding planners.

This is not a testament to my decline into wedding madness - it is practical. I see now why that system works! Vendors (caterers, venue, cake, flowers etc) respond to negotiation and I, as the bride-to-be, am negotiating from the weakest position. Probably the weakest position in all the business kingdom. These vendors know that I have been set up by 30 years of expectations about what a wedding should look like and they hold all the cards in giving that to me. Plus, I need them to like me, so I receive the best service. I have no power in the process.

A wedding planner, on the other hand, is able to operate with cool precision, analyze vendors by the numbers, ask for deals, and has the knowledge and experience to know what to ask for. Vendors need the wedding planner to like them so that they continue to get referrals. The couple benefits from pre-existing relationships nurtured by their planner. It is an entire ecosystem unto itself.

Maybe I should have understood this sooner. Or maybe I'm wrong. (Or I might add, in the Midwest we're not taught to negotiated and ask for what we want.) Anyone have a different experience with their wedding planner?

-Brooke




Brooke, a client of Lace/Hanky, shares her thoughts about what it is like to be engaged– the good and the bad.
Read more entries from The Engagement Story here.

:: The Engagement Story :: The Venue ::

Peter and I settled on University Baptist Church for the ceremony, a very liberal and welcoming church in dinkytown (or "tinytown" as my Grandma calls it). Check out this thorough Statement on Marriage.

The reception will be around the corner at the Varsity Theater. It's where Peter and I met (it's a cutesy story involving a jug band and a fez). The Varsity is an incredible venue. As discussed earlier, Peter and I had originally thought to get married outside in Nature, but Nature is a logistic nightmare. I don't want to be in charge of coordinating the arrival and set up of everything including tables, chairs, linens, glasses, salt and pepper shakers, citronella candles, dance floor, extra loos, mics and speakers, cake, flowers and an alternative plan for inclement weather. The Varsity does it all with style, and puts your name on the marquee to boot.

If you're looking for nature, however, I found some fantastic places - Windbeam Farm outside of Red Wing and a place called "The Enchanted Barn". Don't let the name bother you, it's stunning. Windbeam Farm and The Enchanted Barn.

-Brooke



Brooke, a client of Lace/Hanky, shares her thoughts about what it is like to be engaged– the good and the bad.
Read more entries from The Engagement Story here.

:: The Engagement Story :: The Knot

Be warned: theknot.com will sell your name and address to every wedding vendor in a 50 mile radius, filling your mailbox with junk mail. Suck it, Knotty.

-Brooke



Brooke, a client of Lace/Hanky, shares her thoughts about what it is like to be engaged– the good and the bad.
Read more entries from The Engagement Story here.

:: The Engagement Story :: Registry

I won't even pretend that the registry is not a thrill. Peter and I between us own two plastic plates and a lamp from Ikea. (well, I do own an enormous slow-cooker and a really great hand mixer, thank you Grandma.) So the chance to pick out some nice tableware, some appliances and a compound mitre saw has been one of the most delightful exercises of my life (since Grandpa gave me a highlighter and the Christmas catalog), having somewhat recently entered a strong and sudden nesting phase.

The registry is actually quite a hard thing to settle on. With the exception of the sandwich-griller, Peter was not interested in it, leaving it up to me (big grin) to pick out items for kitchen, bath, living room, bedroom, yard and garage. (We might buy a house this summer, if it pleases fate.)

But I got a bit wrapped up in the registry etiquette. In terms of both quantity and quality, what is the line between practical and decadent? My sister-in-law Abby was a good source for practical house wisdom, reminding me that we would not be living in a McMansion. I pared and culled - mostly kitchen items, that's where I went hog wild - until the items would fit into a normal kitchen. It's hard not to get greedy.

-Brooke



Brooke, a client of Lace/Hanky, shares her thoughts about what it is like to be engaged– the good and the bad.
Read more entries from The Engagement Story here.

:: The Engagament Story :: Traditions

I now have been given 7 bridal magazines by friends and family. (I did buy the People mag edition "Brad and Angelina Wedding of the Century".) There is a strong theme in all of them that the wedding must be customized to be your own special day. Many, many articles are devoted to personalizing, customizing, individualizing the event. Which is interesting when the "event" is a traditional ritual, and the whole point is that you're embarking on the same journey taken by friends, family, and most everyone you know at some point in their lives.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this before the engagement. I don't need a white dress, or a diamond, or a ceremony in a church, or a big party, I thought to myself. If I don't identify with those traditions, I'll just "personalize" it. But leaving this template is not easy, as I realized when I tried to find unique wedding venues. I realized that the internet is not set up to help you really personalize a wedding - you've got to dig. In Minneapolis at least, there are some thirty-odd venues that are catered by D'Amico. I'm not saying they're not a fine caterer, but it just feeds the mold that brides are channeled into through planning sites. Sure, offbeat bride will show you a picture of a bride in a pink dress instead of white, but they still show the bride in a dress.

What I'm trying to say, is that I've been fooled - dazzled - into thinking that personalizing the event is something I can control through purchasing trinkets (the right band, the right dress, the right cake that all perfectly sums up our entire essence as a couple). Why is the ritual of a wedding celebration considered a vehicle for self-expression?

-Brooke



Brooke, a client of Lace/Hanky, shares her thoughts about what it is like to be engaged– the good and the bad.
Read more entries from The Engagement Story here.

:: The Engagement Story :: The Engagement Sinks In ::

I'm engaged, and about to have the huge wedding I never thought I wanted.

Two weeks ago my best friend Peter proposed to me. It was beautiful and I cried, and we hugged, and I felt really lucky. We called and texted everyone. I slept really soundly. It was nice.

The next morning we went to breakfast. We started talking and laughing about the guest list. As I slowly woke up over coffee, my brain triggered into planning mode. I'm somewhat of an obsessive personality. When I have a project, it's all I think about. This was my new project.

Except that I've never really wanted a wedding. I don't like big dresses and I don't like the spotlight, or diamonds, or even cake. I never spent time as a child dreaming about my big day or cutting out style pictures. I'm offended by the notion of spending $20,000 on one night, of wearing a dress only once and, most significantly, all the competition and comparison that is the wedding circuit. At least I was up to the day before I was engaged. Ask me three weeks ago and I would have said that I wanted an 18 month engagement resulting in a wedding picnic on a farm somewhere, maybe including a bonfire. Certainly a nice option. But by the morning after the engagement it started to sink in that this was a big deal. This is a commitment for the next several decades. Perhaps a ring that costs more than a few bucks would be nice? By day two of the engagement, it hit me that this really ought to be a bit formal. It's not just a party for my friends - we need a location with amenities for the venerable family members. And a meal that will do us proud. By the end of the week we were estimating our guest list at 300 people, and suddenly I'm planning an EVENT. And all I really want is to get on with the marriage.

So how do I reconcile the values of "single Brooke" with the new-found pressures (and I must admit, desires) of "engaged Brooke"? I feel like Jekyll and Hyde, if I may be a bit dramatic about it.

-Brooke



Brooke, a client of Lace/Hanky, shares her thoughts about what it is like to be engaged– the good and the bad.
Read more entries from The Engagement Story here.